You know, sometimes life is funny. You could have a million and one things that you want to write about, you could just sit and relax and play some video games, organise your Pokémon Trading Card collection, binge watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix (don’t judge me I realise I have a problem), but no matter what it is you try to do, there’s only one thing on your mind; it just won’t go away, one could even say it’s haunting.
Of course, when I say funny, I don’t mean funny-haha, well, that’s not strictly true. I suppose it would be funny-haha, but much like the Scary Movie franchise, it’s not a particularly good comedy, you could laugh at it, but you feel dirty for admitting you did, you get that crunched up churning feeling in the pit of your stomach, just like that weird feeling you get when you over cook a turn and spin out of control, trash a perfectly good car, nearly killing your best friend during a simple cooperative fetch quest. Except this isn’t Grand Theft Auto. It’s reality, and you find yourself thankful for the lamp post for slowing you down, in the same way a skydiver might thank the ground for breaking their fall, while at the same time realising that one foot to the left and that’s something far more important than blood of countless digital hellspawn on your hands.
In case you are wondering, this is no longer a metaphor. Thursday night I got into a pretty decent car accident. It’s nothing spectacular, like the Hulk tearing a car in two, in the end the result was rather minor, and while no one was badly hurt, and people continue to tell me how well I handled the situation – being able to regain control of the car, if only momentarily and preventing a collision with oncoming traffic – I don’t feel like I’ve done anything worth celebrating. My best friend was seated two feat to my left, and if anything had happened to her, I would never be able to forgive myself, and by extension, because I put her in a position where something that terrible could have happened to her, I’m finding it difficult to acquit myself as easily as others have.
The repetitive “But no one got hurt.” isn’t as much of a consolation prize as you might think.
I couldn’t tell you why it happened, it was a wet night, the roads were slick, maybe there was oil on the road, maybe I came around the corner too quickly, maybe I was over revving the engine which would have been fine in any other situation because of this car’s particular quirks, that meant that it takes a lot more than most cars to get it off the line. Maybe it was just a fluke. I can’t know for sure if it was my fault or not, so for the purposes of everything except the insurance claim, I can’t help but think that as the person driving, it couldn’t be anything but my fault. I could have lost someone I love dearly, and I don’t feel like I have the luxury of giving myself the benefit of the doubt.
Contrary to what the rest of this article might suggest, I am a good driver and there’s no excuse for this.
Sure, I thought quickly and pulled the car back as it was spinning out, and saved the rather startled looking guy driving the approaching Ford, but as callous as this may sound, I didn’t know him. While people on the outside looking in to this situation might see both the Ford driver and my friend equally as strangers, to me, I can’t help but prioritise, and saving a random person gives no condolence compared to the potential loss of my friend. I hate myself that she was in danger because of me.
How am I? Physically, I’m mostly fine, my back and right leg is sore, but I’m afraid the car will never play piano again. While mentally I’ve got no apprehension to get back on the horse, emotionally I’m so angry and frustrated at myself, and not just for the poor mixing of my metaphors. I want to make this absolutely clear, I’m not angry AT my best friend, but it is because of her. I wanted her to yell at me, to tell me what a screw up I am, to hate me if only for a time, but she didn’t do that. I can only believe that what she said was genuine, because she laughed about it and called it an adventure, when all I wanted was for her to punch me the hell out and walk away, spitting on my very name as she left. Instead we went home, and I made all day breakfast crepes (as I said above, I have a problem) and we acted like nothing was wrong, but all I could think about is how close I came to bringing her some real harm.
I don’t deserve her.
So what am I trying to say here? Is there a reason for this diatribe, or do I just want to wax poetic for the sympathy vote? I’m sure some people will think that way, but it does have a purpose. I want to tell you to love one another, and don’t be afraid to say it, or let your love show. It doesn’t have to be some grand gesture, simply show someone how much you care, by never putting them in that situation. Get good at driving, become competent and confident at the wheel, even in ridiculous weather, so that you’ll be prepared should the necessity arise, but never become complacent. Never start believing that you’ve bested the road, that’s when the road will take something from you.
For me, this time it was just a car, but it could have been a lot worse, for me, for my friend, and for the dumbstruck Ford driver.
What I tell you huh? The WORST time to relaunch the website. That’s all for now, be good to each other. Give your Player 2 a hug, and tell them that you care.
Peace and High Scores.